This day, Jan 2nd 2020, seems like just yesterday. This was our first sonogram for baby #2 - Iverson. It seemed like I waited so long to be a mom of two. My OB visit prior to Jan 2nd, I went to find out if we were experiencing infertility issues. I left in uncontrollable tears, which means I truly cracked because I am not a crier. I was super frustrated and feeling hopeless because it seemed like we just couldn’t conceive again. I kept thinking back to the doctor who told me at 17 that “the chances of my reproductive system performing properly were low”...she worded it one way or another but that was what I understood. Because I trusted that doctor at the time and was so young, I thought I couldn’t get pregnant. Believed it so much that my boyfriend (who is now my husband/baby daddy) and I, were seriously considering adoption. Then Ivan came out the clear blue sky. Hence his name choice - meaning gracious gift from God.
I knew Ivan was a miracle baby but the process to confirming baby #2 had me feeling like miracles only happen once in a lifetime. I started to think I wasn’t fit to be a mom of multiples. (silly me, I’m built for this) I started to think something was wrong with my body. (silly me, I’m functioning just fine) It just didn’t make sense to me because I knew my husband and I were so deserving of another child. I knew our son was so deserving of the sibling he begged for. As soon as I let go, let God and just truly settled with the fact that what’s meant to be, will be, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
When I say I was taking pregnancy tests monthly, I mean that. I kept buying pregnancy tests at the beginning of every month because my cycle was never consistent, so weirdly, that kept me hopeful...just to be let down..month after month. The whole situation had me stressed! (which I know probably impacted my cycle, etc) Finally, after trying for a whole year (felt like forever), it happened - a positive pregnancy test. Even then, I was still uncertain. I ended up picking up a hefty hospital bill because I was pressed to hear from a doctor "You're pregnant". So I went to the ER to get blood work done the day after I took the test because my OB couldn't bring me in as quickly as I wanted them to. (btw, the hospital visit was very unsuccessful and I should've just been patient lol) A few days later, I got my blood work done with my OB and it confirmed that I was about 4 weeks pregnant. That brought me so much peace but it wasn’t until I saw lil baby on the screen and heard that heartbeat that I was able to truly breathe and smile.
Hindsight is 20/20 and now everything makes sense. I understand why the pregnancy didn’t happen when I thought it should happen. First of all, I am clearly impatient and still working on that. Second of all, ain’t no way my mental could handle delivering during this Rona pandemic. Most importantly, my husband and I had to go through some tests of faith to show God that we were truly down for Him - we clearly passed. If I never understood that God’s timing is perfect, I certainly do now. Grateful ain’t even the word. If y’all only knew.
I wanted to share this to inspire someone who feels like they are in a difficult place...with a locked door...and not a key in sight. I know how you feel and trust me, the light is coming and a key will find its way to you. BUT, you have to trust that God's plan far outweighs what you have planned for yourself. The best part about God's tests, is that even when He's testing us, checking on our faithfulness to Him, He'll still help us through because ultimately, He wants us to pass. He wants us closer to Him. So keep your faith strong ladies and gents, lean into Him, stay prayed up and focused on your own journey. God gotchu, I promise you that!